The Finish Line

I came to the title of this blog post after thinking about the past ~7 months. This picture was taken just over a year ago, when I won my first triathlon after 6 years of racing in the sport. This was a really proud moment for me. I didn't go into the race with any expectations, but now I had a taste of winning. This is the point after which things all fell apart.

My first error was that I didn't take enough down time to let my body fully recover, and then proceeded to train with Trainer Road at power levels (I had a cadence sensor to estimate power) that far exceeded my body's ability to recover from day in and day out. I became irritable, moody, and withdrew from people. But still, all I could think about was the feeling of the win, and my hunger for more of that.

Somewhere along the way I became lost. I became singly obsessed with my performance. The health issues began. My immune system was shot. After a flight to a conference I developed viral vertigo. I hope you never have to experience that... Still, after many, MANY warning signs of overtraining, I ignored them and kept at it.

The final blow? A concussion to my brain. My poor brain. I am truly sorry for everything I have put it through. I am surprised it is still here with me today. It's like a bad relationship. I keep mistreating it, apologizing and then making the same mistakes all over again. My only hope is that this time is different.

How do I summarize the past 7 months? What word would adequately capture this experience? Not one I can think of currently.... My health was taken from me entirely. Everything I had taken for granted was thrown in my face. I was left with paranoia about knives (its a thing!), insomnia, panic attacks, constant after-images, general fatigue, emotional instability, low moods, and unable to exercise as I know it (aka. take someone who loves to bounce off the walls, and force them into a new existence as a couch potato). Those last three might have been very closely related----I wasn't getting my adrenaline "high". So what did I do? I cried. A lot. Felt sorry for myself. Too much. But in between doing those things, I learned the value of staying positive.

One of my previous blog posts was about being careful about the thoughts you put in your brain. With the concussion, I truly experienced this. Whenever I became negative and pessimistic I could literally feel my body following suit. Symptoms worsened. I had no energy. I didn't sleep as well. On the contrary, whenever I was light-hearted and accepted my situation and just made the most of it, things didn't feel so bad, and my body felt a lot better too.

So, moving forward, I will take these lessons and hopefully not disrespect my mind the way I have in the past. I will build my fitness up slowly, and just do the things I enjoy doing to get there. I will spend as much time as I can in Nature, the ultimate healer and source of energy. I will stay connected to the things and people that matter.

One thing I had to keep reminding myself of was that it is always darkest before dawn. Without the darkness we cannot appreciate the light.

Dein