There is no title for this blog.

Sometimes, it's okay to say goodbye. Cutting people out of your life doesn't mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.

The Finish Line

I came to the title of this blog post after thinking about the past ~7 months. This picture was taken just over a year ago, when I won my first triathlon after 6 years of racing in the sport. This was a really proud moment for me. I didn't go into the race with any expectations, but now I had a taste of winning. This is the point after which things all fell apart.

My first error was that I didn't take enough down time to let my body fully recover, and then proceeded to train with Trainer Road at power levels (I had a cadence sensor to estimate power) that far exceeded my body's ability to recover from day in and day out. I became irritable, moody, and withdrew from people. But still, all I could think about was the feeling of the win, and my hunger for more of that.

Somewhere along the way I became lost. I became singly obsessed with my performance. The health issues began. My immune system was shot. After a flight to a conference I developed viral vertigo. I hope you never have to experience that... Still, after many, MANY warning signs of overtraining, I ignored them and kept at it.

The final blow? A concussion to my brain. My poor brain. I am truly sorry for everything I have put it through. I am surprised it is still here with me today. It's like a bad relationship. I keep mistreating it, apologizing and then making the same mistakes all over again. My only hope is that this time is different.

How do I summarize the past 7 months? What word would adequately capture this experience? Not one I can think of currently.... My health was taken from me entirely. Everything I had taken for granted was thrown in my face. I was left with paranoia about knives (its a thing!), insomnia, panic attacks, constant after-images, general fatigue, emotional instability, low moods, and unable to exercise as I know it (aka. take someone who loves to bounce off the walls, and force them into a new existence as a couch potato). Those last three might have been very closely related----I wasn't getting my adrenaline "high". So what did I do? I cried. A lot. Felt sorry for myself. Too much. But in between doing those things, I learned the value of staying positive.

One of my previous blog posts was about being careful about the thoughts you put in your brain. With the concussion, I truly experienced this. Whenever I became negative and pessimistic I could literally feel my body following suit. Symptoms worsened. I had no energy. I didn't sleep as well. On the contrary, whenever I was light-hearted and accepted my situation and just made the most of it, things didn't feel so bad, and my body felt a lot better too.

So, moving forward, I will take these lessons and hopefully not disrespect my mind the way I have in the past. I will build my fitness up slowly, and just do the things I enjoy doing to get there. I will spend as much time as I can in Nature, the ultimate healer and source of energy. I will stay connected to the things and people that matter.

One thing I had to keep reminding myself of was that it is always darkest before dawn. Without the darkness we cannot appreciate the light.

Dein

I couldn't think of a title for this one... maybe "Me, Me, Me" would do? Yeah, it's crap. No title it is.

I'm in need of a break from the culture that often surrounds triathlon. From the gimmicks and gadgets that people swear by. From people who obsess about tracking all of their training (formerly myself, I will admit), and basically run their lives around training/races, etc.

Tell me this: should a hobby be so all consuming? We all work. In our free time, we should be destressing. It seems counter-productive to try and control our lives to a tee in order to do fit in ALL the training. And for what? An amateur race? We certainly do not make money doing these competitions. And they do not benefit a good cause either (another issue entirely).

I could be wrong here, but I don't think any good can come of taking ourselves too seriously.

The reason for this post was to delve in to some of the fallacious arguments that selfish people used to justify their obsession with triathlon (but equally applicable to other hobbies too!).

Now, the real reason for this post is because after a literal bump on the head I have come to the conclusion that I had a lot in common with some of these thought patterns. Hopefully I can put them behind me and find that elusive life balance that everyone obsesses over!

1. I am grumpy if I don't get to train. It's necessary for my happiness.

2. I will be miserable if I have to miss my training in order to attend such and such an event. How selfish of you to suggest that you want me to be miserable!

3. If I get up really early (4am!) and the training is done before everyone wakes, it's not interfering with anyone's life.

4. My child is 6 years old now. I've been there since day one, and it's time I do something for myself.

5. It's not selfish because it's your hobby and you need "you" time. (Excuse the fact that this training may add up to 10+ hours a week).

6. If you think triathlon training is selfish, consider golf! That's a whole day event. Training only takes up an hour or two a day. 

These were taken from online forums where people have defended the position that training for an ironman, for example, is not a selfish thing to do. I actually agree with that on paper. I believe it's totally individual. Something is only selfish if it something you do which has a negative impact on someone else. So, the short answer is: triathlon training can be selfish but it doesn't have to be.

Ok, now the fun part. Let's debunk. One by one.

1. Really? Even if training is necessary for your happiness, it doesn't mean you need 10+ hours of training. This is a classic example of a FALSE DILEMMA; it's not a matter of training 10+ hours or not training at all. Consider that a smaller amount of training would potentially bring you more happiness (delayed gratification).

2. This is an invalid counterattack in which the selfish person has spun the argument and is now accusing the other person of being selfish, without addressing the real issue. It's pretty bad if you counter a statement of "you're being selfish by wanting to skip X event in order to train" with "well, you're the selfish one, because you want me to be unhappy".

3. I'm not convinced that sleeping WAY less than the recommended amount of time per night will not in any way affect your mood, fatigue, etc. If I woke up at 4am to train, I probably wouldn't want to do the laundry later in the day if I didn't have to... Also, I'm pretty sure it's counterproductive to sacrifice sleep for training. No one actually recommends this... Not sure why I hear this happening so often. FACT: lack of sleep can actually kill you.

4. So is there some sort of timer that's gone off? You put in your allotted parenting time, and now it's time to take back the reins? Don't get me wrong. Parents need to stay sane. But not if it means neglecting your child. Emotional neglect is a thing too. Why did you have kids anyways? This is why the world is so fucked...

5. Everybody needs time to destress. Agreed. But does it need to follow a regimented schedule? This is another example of the false dilemma. You need to destress, but it's not a matter of 10+ hours, or not at all.

6. Fallacy of relative privation. It may be so, that golf can be a selfish activity. Does that mean that because golf is selfish, that triathlon training is not? Nope. I would actually argue the opposite, if it came to that. Training 1-2 hours a day for weeks on end is a LOT more time away from family, chores, etc. Plus the potential accompanying negative effects on mood from training fatigue...

Great! Now that's out of my system I can move on! I look forward to hearing more of these. They are pretty awful, aren't they?

I would like to conclude with the idea that our lives are stressful! When choosing your hobbies, choose wisely, spend wisely, and keep doing them because they are FUN, and they ENRICH your life. Not because they are addictive, and counter self-esteem issues.



Toodles,

Dein

Gratitude

It been over two years since I last posted and a lot has changed, much of it external, but a great deal of it is a change in mentality and mindset. Let me explain.

I risk sounding clich/e here, and will probably come off as if I am trying to teach life lessons here, and I am utterly okay with that. Those who know me will say that I am quite taken by all of those one line inspirational life quotes, especially the ones which reverse the order of words. e.g., happiness is not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got!

Here is a brief summary of the things I've learned and taken away from the past couple of years:

1. Being selfish is different from self-care. Have compassion for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself who will? You can only look after and care about others if your own needs are met.

2. Your body is a vessel. Take good care of your body, you only get one (that we know of! I'm on the fence about reincarnation). It can do great things for you if you treat it with respect.

3. Respect is earned. Don't assume that others should respect you based on your credentials. Similarly, if you meet someone who is well respected be careful---don't make any assumptions!

4. Control yourself and only yourself. Any attempt to try and change other people will be futile, frustrating, and, ultimately, a waste of energy. Accept others for who they are and the choices they have made. Lead by example.

5. Your mind is one of the most important things you have. Be careful what information you feed your brain, and the people you surround yourself with. Don't settle for a career that will provide only financial security and numb your thoughts.

6. Optimism always wins over pessimism. Although negativity can be a powerful fuel, it's like a bad addiction. When it comes down to it, the good guys always overpower the bad (not just in the movies!).

7. Define your own success. Don't use external standards to judge what is "good enough". If you do your best by your own standards you can be proud of your efforts. This is important for longevity too.




8. GRATITUDE. Finally, we are now getting to the meat of the post here (everything above was just an appetizer). We all have choices about how to react to our thoughts. Thoughts are not good or bad, right or wrong. If you catch yourself thinking negatively, worrying about things outside of your control, isolate those thoughts and assess them. Play the devil's advocate for those thoughts. Why are you thinking this now? Is there validity to the thought? Could it be wrong? Am I overreacting? overpersonalizing? Ok, where am I going with this? Without going into a ton of detail, I will admit I have had (and continue to have) struggles with low self-esteem, disordered eating and body image issues, and little compassion for myself. I am also guilty of staying busy so that I don't actually have to think about the real underlying issues. By stepping back, and really asking myself "why am I really doing this", I have been able to break out of a cycle of addiction of being busy. Instead of thinking of all the things I'm not doing, and that I don't have (i.e. living a student life in my late twenties), I've flipped the switch to thinking about all the things I am grateful for.

Try this: once a day, think of three things you are grateful for. It could be anything---your health, family, hobbies, etc.

There are many things that I am grateful for, and thinking about it every day really makes it resonate.We all face setbacks. The only thing we can do is to control how we respond to them.

Peace out,

Dein 

Road Block

                                                                       RIP Fallen Tree

The title of this blog started out as a literal translation of a series of events in a day that seemed like it would not end. Long story short, there were a number of actual road blocks for waiting for me on my journey home from work (three to be exact, and one of them was actually a fallen tree).

In hindsight, it wouldn't have been such a big deal, but when things don't meet your expectations---that is when it becomes difficult to adjust. With each additional obstacle it becomes difficult not to feel as though the situation is escalating and you are losing control.

Now, a couple of days later I can smile. A good story has come of it, and I don't feel the same intensity of emotion that I did then.

What now? How to deal with future situations? It's easy to theorize about ways to cope with the unexpected but quite another to actually learn to calmly take it in and move forward.

The nature of my work has forced me to deal with unplanned appointments showing up, emergencies and surgeries that don't go as I want them to go. To be totally honest it's not my idea of the "perfect day". But when you learn to juggle, adjust and head in without expectations, you are far more satisfied at the end of the day and don't get so tripped up when things go sour.

Plus it's more interesting ;)

Cheers,

Dein

Art and Passion

Bird of Paradise

You've probably heard it many times. The arts have generally been neglected in our technology-obsessed go-go-go culture (you know what I'm trying to say here!). The more I become involved in the sciences I become more aware of the critical and often tangential role that the arts play within the sciences. They don't call it "the art of veterinary medicine" for nothing! I believe that art keeps us alive. If we can see beauty in the small things, then we spend less time frowning upon those things that seem more important.

I had the opportunity a couple of weeks ago, to make a trip out to Bon Echo provincial park. If you ever have a chance to go out there, do it! Nature can be so inspiring. See for yourself, in this photo of Mazinaw Rock.

Magnificent Mazinaw

Nature also demands a certain respect. The more time you spend in nature, the more aware of life's fragility you become. The animals around you live their lives day by day, moment by moment. And there's a lesson to be learned from them. We can't spend our lives planning for tomorrow.

So you might still be guessing at the second title of this entry; "passion". This thought came to me a while back, probably when I was reading someone else's blog! You can spend your life going through school, working, raising a family, but when all's been said and done, ask yourself: "what am I truly passionate about?" When it comes down to it, there's nothing like exploring something you feel very strongly about. I guess I'm in a quoting mood today, but I have to, because this one really resonates with me: "life's not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself".

And creativity has no limits.

Signing off,

Dein

Fake it to make it!

This is a topic I've wanted to touch on for a little while. You may have heard this expression before. In fact, someone said it to me just the other day. There is so much truth to this, it makes me nauseous. It comes down to this; if you don't believe in yourself, then you won't make it very far. Self-confidence can take you pretty far.

3 cheers for believing!

Dein